A friend told me she was feeling guilty. She wasn’t her usual upbeat self. Her mojo was gone. She picked up her phone, and put it back down again. Where were her words?
Not just me then!
Do you ever feel like you’re battling on with the traffic on life’s motorway, overtaking disasters, avoiding cliffs, racing to each destination, without allowing yourself to take a break on a b road? Or even admit how some of the drivers around you make your journey even harder; whizzing past the obvious signs to get off the highway because everybody is just going too fast, missing all the interesting places on the way?
Winter has always taken me by surprise . There I am pottering about in a new term , enjoying a ‘warm- fuzzy- apple- in- the- satchel- glow’ of a September morning, another birthday and enjoying the fruits of several trips to the garden centre… when, wham! – its nearly Christmas and I can’t get my hips to co-operate.
Six months has gone past in the blink of an eye . Life has gone on around us, but there were also big changes to contend with this year, and unexpected loss. Life events and consequences threw us off track but we had to keep driving.
Months have passed since my last post. on here. During that time, I lost my brother very suddenly , and supported my family with mental health and changes. Time has moved so fast but also seemed to come to a halt at times. Sometimes real life felt it would be just around the corner…
Memory Garden for David
When those you love struggle. And keep struggling, it’s your struggle too.
When our bodies let us down, and winter starts to bite, creative and emotional fuel can become scarce. It can feel as if we hold the world together with our minds, feeding those under our rooves with not just hot food but patience and constant prayers.
It can be so easy to become isolated. For me, a real life social network beats aimlessly scrolling anytime ! Looking back over the last months; from time spent with family, lots and lots of singing, including the Edinburgh festival with Rock choir, concerts with choir 86, a new cosy craft club at the house and our ever expanding Art group in Highweek (also still exhibiting online every week with our Coldingham Art friends on the Seasparkle gallery, ) we have been fortunate to spend time with fantastic people. Thankyou! You are the best therapy !
My new years resolution is to stop apologising . Which translates as giving myself the credit I would naturally give others. Like you I am my harshest critic . If I struggle with a task I can usually do with ease, and haven’t accomplished for a while, I send myself spiralling into self destruction. And guilt.
In January’s enforced wintering, when my choices to be outside in the cold are limited, I vow to find permission to deviate. To carve out a warm and calm space to paint and heal, to find my words and let my thoughts trundle on once more.
Reflecting on how much has changed in our studio and Art classes, how our home and garden has continued to evolve with painted furniture, craft groups and interior and outside projects, it feels exciting to sit back and plan for future projects.
Instead of asking why that stack of paintings aren’t finished, why not appreciate all that already is ? And how the ripples of inspiration are growing from each original seed.
Every season’s colour, pattern and essence has a corresponding rhythm. A rhythm in us too. Even at half capacity. Even when we think or bodies have let us down, they are simply gathering themselves. Tenacity and drive get us through the shadows. We just need a little reminder sometimes.
My friends
With all my heart I hope you are well . I hope whoever you are wintering with is kind. If you are alone, then even more importantly, be a fabulous companion. I hope you have a few good plans in place for this next year, and that right now you are not in pain, and you are warm. Every year I forget how unwell I feel in the first two months. How the very thought of leaving our home feels scary and at times, insurmountable. How the smallest task some days can be exhausting. How spring feels so so far away, and I am at the mercy of a good weather forecast and a good night’s sleep.
Even warriors get tired. Fairies flail. Seasons affect our disorders. We feel 100% human despite our superhuman efforts. We need recovery, hibernation, tea, pyjamas. Pain killers. Without the support of my friends at events or in classes, or at home, life would be a very different challenge. Be honest with people. You might find that you bring just as much to their table.
Easier said than done .
We hold up the world ! We fire fight and wrestle dragons, we ignore disease and illness. We are last on our own lists.
We are women. ( Or men ) Or parents, sons or daughters or teachers or carers. There isn’t time for illness and we must keep producing things to prove we exist. And keep smiling at the same time.
I resent being the sick version of me. But I am coming to know her. She balances her days differently, but as long as she doesn’t give up, there is merit in her smaller actions, purpose in her consistent creations and patience in her unforgiving bones. She’s pacing herself because soon there will be a sunny day. Somehow the laundry gets done, people eat, presents are found, hugs are given. Not least to those who are slightly more furry in their ways. Constant companions and quite handy for napping with.
Perhaps your engine has been running on empty, but quietly you still move forward; fuelled by the desire to motivate someone struggling, as well as to keep building the big picture that drives you. I know what it feels like to crave calm. And time in the bath without interruption, a day without pain, a night without worry.
Even if you feel unseen, believe that your accomplishments lie in the consistency of your quiet love and kindness, to yourself as much as to those you love.
Every brush stroke is part of the picture.
While we imagine what our lives looks like, in reality, it’s busy doing it’s own thing, swayed by mostly things we can’t control. We aren’t who we imagine people see. We are the habits and patterns we adopt. The things we say, the way we love, the conversations we do or don’t have. Nothing is a given, so we must keep hope alive. embracing not only the new year but who we might become within it. including making scared time for nurturing, pyjama days. We have new shoots to grow, and must be prepared to cut right back on all the outside clatter occasionally , enabling us to flourish even further.
Because it is only when we pause, that we truly see our best accomplishments.
Happy New Year
All my love, Liz at The Beach Hut xxx
